For awhile I have been contemplating on writing this. For one, I am a person who before posting anything that might even come across as controversial weighs how such a topic might be received and the reactions of others, especially in a public forum such as the internet. When I was younger, I was brash and always spoke my mind, but it didn't always come with desired effects.
Here's my disclaimer: this is just my story and just my thoughts on the entire topic. You can view it as a cautionary tale or whatever you would like.
Upon graduating college, I had no real idea of what path of academia I wanted. I liked the idea of graduate school and felt that I learned/retained nothing from college that could even get me employed anywhere. I NEEDED more education to be of any use in my field of choice: bio-pharmaceuticals. I had a stronger biochemistry background than biology. If anyone asked me about how cell physiology worked, I'd just look and blink at them. I wasn't trained for what I wanted to do at all, so logically, I went for more schooling.
What I didn't realize was that in order to get a PhD it did require having a clearer vision of the path I wanted. I needed to find a lab to do my thesis in. Fairly logical, except I didn't have burning passion for anything I was looking at. It took me two entire semesters to find a lab to call home, and by the end of it, I wasn't even pursuing a PhD anymore.
I started questioning what I wanted to do, especially as responsibilities piled on. Eventually I had to take a breather, step back, and figure out what I wanted in life.
This got me thinking about my education up to this point. I've been a student for most of my life and never performed poorly academically, so I just followed what I felt was the logical step to a financially sound future. Leaving high school, I just wanted something that would lead me to a job. I wasn't especially passionate about anything so I went with what I was good at: math and science. In a performance arts high school I never reall stood out talent wise and had terrible stage fright so where others were going to conservatories, I did a 180 and set (what I thought of as) a more realistic goal. I knew I didn't want pure science. I could never only do research and not apply it, so I went to engineering. I did alright in it and got accepted into graduate school. Still no spark, no passion.
I slowly got more and more into my art and realized that nothing I did up to this point prepared me for this questioning, the envy, and the wondering. I would look at my colleagues wonder how they could stand reading all the journal articles and paper after paper and retain all that knowledge. All I looked forward to was for 5pm to roll around and head home to sew.
The more I thought about it, the more useless I found mandatory education. Although it helped me become a somewhat well rounded person, mandatory education just put me in what I felt was a factory: in goes a student, out comes someone to work in society. None of it dealt with passion, and working year after year just for a job seemed like it was becoming too much for me.
It was really scary for me to think of how much effort I put into something that I would dread. It was definitely a nightmare for me to be stuck in a niche for the rest of my life and to HATE every moment of it.
Those who I spoke to suggested I possibly leave without finishing my degree and change my life style. All in all it was a shock. Not only am I a persistent (aka stubborn) but I didn't want to get nothing out of it after putting all this time and money into my education.
My questioning did get to the point where I wanted to just give it all up and just sew all day, but the practical part of me gave me a gigantic punch of reality and I knew it was just dreaming, but hey who knows what I can make it into in 5 years.
For now, I'm going to finish what I started (partially because I've never quit), but I think I've taken my blinders off and am open to more possibilities than the one road I had my eyes set on.
Overall the past year and a half has been an emotional roller coaster that dipped pretty low, but I just gotta be a little more optimistic and hope that I'm not too old and too late to be able to find something I really want.
The American mindset of always prizing early achievement and youth can really be stifling in cases like this. It's really sad that I haven't even hit 30 and I feel like all my best years are behind me.
Reading this reminded me so much of my own situation half a year ago. You remember all about my nursing dilemma probably. Halfway through the year, I wanted to completely drop it and leave. It's easy for me to just drop something and leave it behind me, especially when I'm not passionate about it. Of course, I can imagine it would be much much harder for you to even think of such a thing since you've "thrown more eggs in the fire" than I have. I chose what you have chosen. I finished what I started, but for the sake of those around me that I care about. It's hard trying to pursue what you love, especially without the support of loved ones. Even so, I don't think I would've been able to continue on if I had to go even a year longer. Trying to retain knowledge and study hours on end for something you aren't even enjoying is emotionally draining. That 1 year felt much longer. Thinking back on my life, I'de say it was the second most unhappy period in my life, the first being the year my boyfriend left to Kuwait for the military.
ReplyDeleteSo I finished it and now half a year later I am getting moved into my new home. As I type this, I'm sitting in the room that is to be my office where I'll be spending the majority of my time pursuing life as an artist. I can tell my family that I finished what I started to make them happy, but in the end I mustered the confidence to do what I want to do.
I know life won't be as prosperous but I didn't just choose art, I chose happiness. It was a slow "what if" transition to this new mind set. At first I was unsure and only played with the thought. It was sort of a daydream that I would linger on and think of how silly it was or what loved ones would think of it. It didn't seem realistic because I'm surrounded in my little world of people that lead different, but very similar lives. It seems almost childish and unrealistic to think of a life that doesn't fit the normal or socially accepted lifestyle. I do feel that achievement in life is generally measured as who is making the most money. That is certainly fulfillment for many, but it doesn't have to be that way. If I can make a living doing what I am passionate about, then that's all I can ask for. The pressure of people in my life like my mother will always be there, accepting, yet still judging with wavering disappointment, but it's my life to lead after all. The ones that truly love me will accept my choices, for the good and the bad.
You are young young young! You shouldn't think that your best years are behind you. You have your entire life to build, however you want it. Whatever you do, I will fully support you.
~ Aster
Go for it Aster, work really hard for that dream!
DeleteYou're never too old to go after what you're passionate about!
ReplyDeleteIf it's what makes you happy, gives more meaning to your life, then absolutely work towards it. You have so much time ahead of you so best to make the most of it.
I can't really see myself doing any work other than art, science if art didn't exist, but it does... and no matter what my age was when I discovered my passion for art, I'd still have chased after that dream. There are people that are 50 years old, go to art school or design school and become artists, because thats what they wanted.
We only have one life, so we need to chase after our dreams and do what makes us happy.
ieafy