Note: I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this, but I know that it can hard to take the first steps to deal with it, so I hope it can help you breathe and give more time for yourself
With the internet, it's so easy (especially when no one's monitoring) to get sucked into the emails, tweets, tumblr, youtube, and all these forms of media that take away our time from ourselves.
I knew I always felt overextended but I didn't know why and I definitely didn't know how to stop. My self control has never been the best. So I end up with these black holes in my day and countless things on my list that I still have to do. Usually my instinct is to prioritize the demands of others before my own. My own mentality of it being: it involves someone else, and they are counting on me to do x,y,and z and I don't want to let them down. In doing that, most of my day goes to doing things that are expected of me. It ended up getting to the point where I would get up at 4.30-5am in the morning to do course work and giving myself enough time to wake up before I go to my morning meetings or class. Between my own graduate course work, TAing, research for my thesis, and custom orders (for my sewing) on the side, I ended up doing what many do when they feel over extended: I cut time for eating, sleeping, and sometimes leisure. My sewing just became one more thing I had to do. Eventually if a person keeps pushing, the body and mind decide they've had enough and they shut down.
It's quite hard to bounce back from an extensive shut down, but my body just had enough, and it wasn't going to do the long hours I demanded of it. The lists I made didn't help either. My lists and my type A personality always saw the glass as half empty so it always wondered why wasn't I do doing stuff and thinking about how my stuff I didn't do. Mondays were always the worse because after a weekend of being less than ideally productive, I'd go over a list in my head of all the things I have to do. Even now as I'm telling you my story, I'm holding my breath. Often times, I forget to breathe and forget to do things to take of myself in the name of productivity. It's always been "how much can I do in the shortest amount of time."
It eventually festered into clinical depression and anxiety. I won't get into the nitty gritty details of it, but there were definitely thoughts of self harm, extreme isolation, and just loosing track of time. I had tried to deal with it by seeing a specialist at my school for a while (weekly sessions for 6 weeks), but then decided to take two weeks from school. This is much easier to do in graduate school when most of your work is independently driven. I live alone for the most part so holing myself up in my apartment was way too easy. The two weeks I originally took off ended up becoming 2 months. I started seeing someone in the private practice three times a week, and just work through the expectations placed on me by myself and by the voices in my head that others have put there.
My obsessive nature (yes I have OCD on top of this) lends to the downward spiral of always thinking about all the stuff I have to do and obsessing over the stuff I didn't.
It's almost been a year since the beginning of my downward spiral, and while I am more functional now, I still hold my breath, I still find black holes in my life, but I show up to most classes and I resume more activities. I still have help to deal with this on a daily basis, but a lot of it is about taking care of myself.
Sometimes people will place those voices in your head that tell you you aren't doing enough, your best isn't good enough, or you're just going about life the wrong way. In the end you'll be the one living with your actions, so why not do them in a way to take care of yourself. I encourage all of you to take time to self discover so you can push away all those voices that are trying to force you onto a path that's not yours. Seek help if you need it, sleep, eat, and have fun.
For those who do have a mood disorder, I encourage you to be kinder to yourself. I know it's hard to get up in the morning, so give yourself a pat on the back when you get up. Give yourself credit for what you can do, and don't be afraid to seek help. Whether it's psycho-therapy, medication, or other alternatives, it's hard to get started, but it's really worth it in the end. You get to take your life back into your own hands rather than being at the whims of your moods.
All the best with all of you. I'll be sending you well wishes.
<3 Laine
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
The pitfall of artists: An Art Ponzi Scheme
This piece was originally on my deviantart account, but since I decided to move on from dA, I wanted to give this article a new home. This article was written with the deviantart community in mind. Without further ado:
Author's Note: I am inactive on dA, but felt that this needed to be said about art communities with young/non-professional artists. (By professional, I mean this is what you do for a living)
I will not be answering comments on this journal. This is an opinion piece, and I am not forcing my opinions on you. You can share them or not share them, I won't argue with anyone about this.
Ever know someone who keeps taking commissions without ever producing any commission work? Or get frustrated when someone posts personal work again and again but hasn't dealt with a commission that was ordered months ago? It's one thing to a while to fulfill a commission, another to keep taking commissions while continuously doing personal work or just not producing commissions.
I really wanted to write this article because I have seen more than one incarnation of this on dA. This article is more about good business practices rather than how old do you have to be to be la professional. I am not arguing how old someone has to be to be professional. One of my most hated excuses coming from some of these artists is the artist is only x years old, so they obviously aren't professionals and their commissioners shouldn't have those expectations for them. I find personal life rather irrelevant when it comes to a business transaction. It's an exchange of goods for services: money/points for art. The artist entered this transaction knowing it is an exchange. Unless otherwise discussed, there was never an agreement that said because the artist is x age or because of x situation, extra considerations have to be made.
I think that these deviants is that they fall into either or both of these two pitfalls:
The second leads to the vicious cycle of the first and so that's why I'm more concerned when people take more than they can handle. (The second is due to lower prices = larger volume of commissions = case #1)
When an artist takes more than they can handle, it can be overwhelming with all these deadlines and responsibilities and can cause an artist to take an extremely long time to deliver (over a year) or the artist can feel so pressured that they bolt and leave their commissions without money or art.
With those who stick it out, it is the honorable thing to do, but they are not helping themselves reach their goal if they continuing to add to their workload. I've seen many of these artists spend their payment before they have delivered the goods which only digs them into a deeper grave. Eventually some of these artists start taking more commissions to pay back the commissioners who no longer want to wait.
Then these new commissions are introduced to this cycle, and the cycle ends up taking more control of the artist.
It ends terribly for both parties, the artist being pressured, and the commissioner feeling dissatisfied of having to wait so long.
In essence, the only fitting metaphor that came to mind was a Ponzi scheme. For those who do not know what a ponzi scheme is, it is defined as "operation that pays returns to its investors from existing capital or new capital paid by new investors, rather than from profit earned by the individual or organization running the operation."
There are many (but difficult) solutions for this, but the best thing to do is just avoid it as a business practice. It's bad for your reputation, bad for your sense of professionalism, and just leaves a bad taste overall.
I personally avoid the cycle as a commissioner by:
My advice for artists who are currently in this pitfall is to:
TL;DR: My final message? For commissioners: Don't give your money to people who seem to owe a lot of people money or art. For artists: Don't take more than you can handle.
Thanks for reading,
Laine
Author's Note: I am inactive on dA, but felt that this needed to be said about art communities with young/non-professional artists. (By professional, I mean this is what you do for a living)
I will not be answering comments on this journal. This is an opinion piece, and I am not forcing my opinions on you. You can share them or not share them, I won't argue with anyone about this.
===================================
===================================
===================================
Ever know someone who keeps taking commissions without ever producing any commission work? Or get frustrated when someone posts personal work again and again but hasn't dealt with a commission that was ordered months ago? It's one thing to a while to fulfill a commission, another to keep taking commissions while continuously doing personal work or just not producing commissions.
I really wanted to write this article because I have seen more than one incarnation of this on dA. This article is more about good business practices rather than how old do you have to be to be la professional. I am not arguing how old someone has to be to be professional. One of my most hated excuses coming from some of these artists is the artist is only x years old, so they obviously aren't professionals and their commissioners shouldn't have those expectations for them. I find personal life rather irrelevant when it comes to a business transaction. It's an exchange of goods for services: money/points for art. The artist entered this transaction knowing it is an exchange. Unless otherwise discussed, there was never an agreement that said because the artist is x age or because of x situation, extra considerations have to be made.
I think that these deviants is that they fall into either or both of these two pitfalls:
- Taking on more than they can handle
- Undercharging for their time
The second leads to the vicious cycle of the first and so that's why I'm more concerned when people take more than they can handle. (The second is due to lower prices = larger volume of commissions = case #1)
When an artist takes more than they can handle, it can be overwhelming with all these deadlines and responsibilities and can cause an artist to take an extremely long time to deliver (over a year) or the artist can feel so pressured that they bolt and leave their commissions without money or art.
With those who stick it out, it is the honorable thing to do, but they are not helping themselves reach their goal if they continuing to add to their workload. I've seen many of these artists spend their payment before they have delivered the goods which only digs them into a deeper grave. Eventually some of these artists start taking more commissions to pay back the commissioners who no longer want to wait.
Then these new commissions are introduced to this cycle, and the cycle ends up taking more control of the artist.
It ends terribly for both parties, the artist being pressured, and the commissioner feeling dissatisfied of having to wait so long.
In essence, the only fitting metaphor that came to mind was a Ponzi scheme. For those who do not know what a ponzi scheme is, it is defined as "operation that pays returns to its investors from existing capital or new capital paid by new investors, rather than from profit earned by the individual or organization running the operation."
There are many (but difficult) solutions for this, but the best thing to do is just avoid it as a business practice. It's bad for your reputation, bad for your sense of professionalism, and just leaves a bad taste overall.
I personally avoid the cycle as a commissioner by:
- Never commissioning someone who seems to have an undesirable track record (the definition of this is up to you)
- Asking for an estimated time of delivery and giving a deadline of 45 days (you can still file a claim with paypal)
- Never commissioning anyone with more than 5 commissions
- Kindly ask for updates twice a month to keep on the same page with the artist
My advice for artists who are currently in this pitfall is to:
- Stop taking more commissions, sit down, and just get your work done
- If you really can't produce the art at the moment, get a part time job and just refund your commissioners. You probably get a better hourly rate at a part time job anyway
- If you still have excuses or feel it's too overwhelming, borrow some money from family (bc they won't charge you interest), return the funds to your commissioners and just don't take commissions again until you feel that you can handle this level of work
TL;DR: My final message? For commissioners: Don't give your money to people who seem to owe a lot of people money or art. For artists: Don't take more than you can handle.
Thanks for reading,
Laine
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Learning to say NO
This piece was originally on my deviantart account, but since I decided to move on from dA, I wanted to give this article a new home. This article was written with the deviantart community in mind. Without further ado:
In my time on dA, I've met some wonderfully generous people. I've had the pleasure of being friends with some of these people, and it is a true joy. Over this past year though as I seen both people who are these generous artists and people who commission these said artists, I did notice something arise.
I've noticed that some artists have been asked to do multiple changes again and again on the same piece and sometimes these are large changes. Sometimes these artists can feel a little overwhelmed with the extra work they are asked to do because it is a lot of work. Sometimes these artists keep doing these changes WITHOUT additional compensation (I've seen this happen to a plush artist who had to completely re-draft patterns). Sometimes it's because they can't or don't want to say "no." I understand the desire to have a product that your commissioner is really pleased with; It's a great feeling, but sometimes we really have to consider ourselves in the picture.
Many of these generous people like to make people happy or please them. It's something I find myself doing. When asked for a favor, my first thought is to rearrange my schedule to make it more convenient for THEM. While this mentality makes for a nice community and one that supports its members, from time to time we need to remember ourselves and our needs.
This isn't only in art but in general. Sometimes I do have to be a little selfish with my time and while that guilt might follow me a little, in the end, I have to sleep, eat, and take care of my own needs.
One fictionalized example inspired my experiences:
In academia, there are instances where an adviser might ask you to stay late, to do another experiment, or come in during the weekend. While that is all good and swell and part of being a graduate student, there are times when an adviser might become preoccupied and forget you have other responsibilities and other things to do. Sometimes the people around us can get wrapped up in their own things and ask for what they might consider a reasonable request, but it might mean that you have to skip a few meals in order to have the time or have to put your classwork aside to do it. These sacrifices might be necessary once in a while, but sometimes there is that crossing of the threshold, and this one time exception becomes a normal day thing, so the sacrifices build and build. And then you're living in your office in a sleeping bag. (Yes I have slept in my office a couple times like this too)
The thing I want to emphasize is that even in being generous, saying "no" on occasion is good for your sanity. you have limits, you have wants and needs. It might help to set limits and STICK TO THEM. Sticking to them is very important. One thing that might be good is to write up a commissions policy and state when changes are allowed to be made and how many changes can be made before there is a charge per change. I know a couple of people who left dA because they couldn't say no but they couldn't take the pressure either. It's ok to say "no" and it's ok to take time for yourself. I really hope you do.
TLDR; Be generous, be flexible, but set limits and say "no" occasionally. It's alright to take time for yourself and it's alright to turn down a commission or project. If you don't feel you can do it, it's easier just not to take the project than to work on it for hours and find you really just can't do it.
<3
In my time on dA, I've met some wonderfully generous people. I've had the pleasure of being friends with some of these people, and it is a true joy. Over this past year though as I seen both people who are these generous artists and people who commission these said artists, I did notice something arise.
I've noticed that some artists have been asked to do multiple changes again and again on the same piece and sometimes these are large changes. Sometimes these artists can feel a little overwhelmed with the extra work they are asked to do because it is a lot of work. Sometimes these artists keep doing these changes WITHOUT additional compensation (I've seen this happen to a plush artist who had to completely re-draft patterns). Sometimes it's because they can't or don't want to say "no." I understand the desire to have a product that your commissioner is really pleased with; It's a great feeling, but sometimes we really have to consider ourselves in the picture.
Many of these generous people like to make people happy or please them. It's something I find myself doing. When asked for a favor, my first thought is to rearrange my schedule to make it more convenient for THEM. While this mentality makes for a nice community and one that supports its members, from time to time we need to remember ourselves and our needs.
This isn't only in art but in general. Sometimes I do have to be a little selfish with my time and while that guilt might follow me a little, in the end, I have to sleep, eat, and take care of my own needs.
One fictionalized example inspired my experiences:
In academia, there are instances where an adviser might ask you to stay late, to do another experiment, or come in during the weekend. While that is all good and swell and part of being a graduate student, there are times when an adviser might become preoccupied and forget you have other responsibilities and other things to do. Sometimes the people around us can get wrapped up in their own things and ask for what they might consider a reasonable request, but it might mean that you have to skip a few meals in order to have the time or have to put your classwork aside to do it. These sacrifices might be necessary once in a while, but sometimes there is that crossing of the threshold, and this one time exception becomes a normal day thing, so the sacrifices build and build. And then you're living in your office in a sleeping bag. (Yes I have slept in my office a couple times like this too)
The thing I want to emphasize is that even in being generous, saying "no" on occasion is good for your sanity. you have limits, you have wants and needs. It might help to set limits and STICK TO THEM. Sticking to them is very important. One thing that might be good is to write up a commissions policy and state when changes are allowed to be made and how many changes can be made before there is a charge per change. I know a couple of people who left dA because they couldn't say no but they couldn't take the pressure either. It's ok to say "no" and it's ok to take time for yourself. I really hope you do.
TLDR; Be generous, be flexible, but set limits and say "no" occasionally. It's alright to take time for yourself and it's alright to turn down a commission or project. If you don't feel you can do it, it's easier just not to take the project than to work on it for hours and find you really just can't do it.
<3
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
A letter to all those that think art is expensive
This piece was originally on my deviantart account, but since I decided to move on from dA, I wanted to give this article a new home. This article was written with the deviantart community in mind. Without further ado:
Disclaimer: This is my view from my experience. THIS IS AN OPINION PIECE. I cannot emphasize this enough. It's my opinion on the situation. It is not 100% generalized but only to serve as an example. You are not expected to agree with any of this. If you comment, keep your comments reasonable and courteous. There's no need to say anything uncivil.
These are just estimates given my own experiences (these numbers may not be accurate or applicable to everyone):
Disclaimer: This is my view from my experience. THIS IS AN OPINION PIECE. I cannot emphasize this enough. It's my opinion on the situation. It is not 100% generalized but only to serve as an example. You are not expected to agree with any of this. If you comment, keep your comments reasonable and courteous. There's no need to say anything uncivil.
Introduction & Rationale:
On dA, there are a range of artists from different backgrounds and different ages. Due to the diversity of dA, I've seen many ranges of prices for commissions, some of them go from 50 cents to 2000 USD. Especially with the adoptables communities coming into prominence, prices for designs can get higher than 500 USD.
Now here is where there is a little disagreement between those who buy art and those are the suppliers. Let me clarify first of all that art is a luxury product. It is not a necessity, so its prices can fluctuate and be outrageous at times. Unlike necessities that maintain a regular market, art is a little less stable, and it's demand curve looks NOTHING like that of the necessities. (Please understand I've only taken one course in microeconomics in undergraduate school and do not ask me what the curves look like because I do not remember. I have textbooks for references, but there are more qualified people to talk about this with.) There are even luxury taxes in the US which can explain to how society views luxuries vs something you need like toilet paper.
As an art community, we appreciate art, and sometimes will want custom work for ourselves or to buy an adoptable. What I have been finding a little less tolerable is when people complain about the price of art. Let me remind you that we are a capitalistic society and many artists will try to get the most out of their time. No one is denying you something you need, it's just something you would like to have, but maybe not willing to pay that much.
That is perfectly alright to feel like you wouldn't pay x amount of dollars for an adoptable. I know very few artists that would force you to buy the adoptable nor would they force others. When someone pays triple digits for an adoptable during an auction, they do it of their own free will, so please refrain from saying something about the price. Yes it might be outrageous in your mind, and yes you might wish it was lower so you could buy it, but again, you can enjoy the art without owning it. None of these artists are charging you to look at their work, so there's no need to treat them differently just because someone wants to pay x amount for their work.
Cost of being an artist:
It's really not that easy to make it as an artist, as many who have tried will know. That's why we're called "Starving artists." For those who are interested in how not to be one, please look at this journal meisan.deviantart.com/journal/…
As an artist, the income is unsteady but our bills are steady, so I'm going to break down what costs actually look like in case you feel the need to say artists charge too much.
EXAMPLE OF MONTHLY EXPENSES:
On dA, there are a range of artists from different backgrounds and different ages. Due to the diversity of dA, I've seen many ranges of prices for commissions, some of them go from 50 cents to 2000 USD. Especially with the adoptables communities coming into prominence, prices for designs can get higher than 500 USD.
Now here is where there is a little disagreement between those who buy art and those are the suppliers. Let me clarify first of all that art is a luxury product. It is not a necessity, so its prices can fluctuate and be outrageous at times. Unlike necessities that maintain a regular market, art is a little less stable, and it's demand curve looks NOTHING like that of the necessities. (Please understand I've only taken one course in microeconomics in undergraduate school and do not ask me what the curves look like because I do not remember. I have textbooks for references, but there are more qualified people to talk about this with.) There are even luxury taxes in the US which can explain to how society views luxuries vs something you need like toilet paper.
As an art community, we appreciate art, and sometimes will want custom work for ourselves or to buy an adoptable. What I have been finding a little less tolerable is when people complain about the price of art. Let me remind you that we are a capitalistic society and many artists will try to get the most out of their time. No one is denying you something you need, it's just something you would like to have, but maybe not willing to pay that much.
That is perfectly alright to feel like you wouldn't pay x amount of dollars for an adoptable. I know very few artists that would force you to buy the adoptable nor would they force others. When someone pays triple digits for an adoptable during an auction, they do it of their own free will, so please refrain from saying something about the price. Yes it might be outrageous in your mind, and yes you might wish it was lower so you could buy it, but again, you can enjoy the art without owning it. None of these artists are charging you to look at their work, so there's no need to treat them differently just because someone wants to pay x amount for their work.
Cost of being an artist:
It's really not that easy to make it as an artist, as many who have tried will know. That's why we're called "Starving artists." For those who are interested in how not to be one, please look at this journal meisan.deviantart.com/journal/…
As an artist, the income is unsteady but our bills are steady, so I'm going to break down what costs actually look like in case you feel the need to say artists charge too much.
EXAMPLE OF MONTHLY EXPENSES:
These are just estimates given my own experiences (these numbers may not be accurate or applicable to everyone):
-Rent: 800-2100 USD (depends on location, my friend's studio apartment in Manhatten does cost 2100 USD a month)
-Utilities: 100+ USD (depends on climate & electricity use)
-Food: 200-400 USD
-Internet: 35+ USD
-Phone: 40+ USD (and I don't have a smart phone)
-Social: 20+ a month (I don't socialize much)
-Insurance: Varied (depends if your day job covers it and what insurances you are paying for: car, renters, house, health, dental)
-Medical expenses: Varied (depends on individual, I pay 2100 a month)
So the range can be 1095 USD minimum a month to 6060 USD a month depending on your needs. I personally do not go out and socialize, do not have cable, do not have a smart phone, yet I am on the higher end of the scale because I have a whopping medical bill.
Now let's say I need 4000 USD a month. Remember that taxes take about 20% of your income (at least in the US), so that means I would need to make 5000 USd a month in order to even be able to cover my basic needs. At a typical job where I would work a 40 hr week for 4 weeks a month, I would need to make 31.25 USD an hour to meet my minimum requirements.
Given that I usually only sell one doll a month on average for an average of 300 USD for 20 hrs of work, I couldn't even do it. If I sold something for 300 USD, I would be making under 15 USD an hour because you have to consider overhead costs and material costs.
Conclusion:
Let's compare the values: less than 15 USD an hour vs the 31.25 USD I would need to live...hmm.. and then to have someone comment on my prices. Can you see how this would hurt a little when someone doesn't appreciate that you sacrificed your income to do something you love.?
Now not everyone may be making as much (or as little) as me, but for those who say artists shouldn't be expecting minimum wage for whatever reason, please look at that sacrifice! That's HALF. HALF I tell you. I could be spending that time at my day job, but instead this is HALF of what I need. This is a labor of love, so please don't disrespect the sacrifice.
I hope this will help you contextualize what prices mean, and what people need to survive.
-Utilities: 100+ USD (depends on climate & electricity use)
-Food: 200-400 USD
-Internet: 35+ USD
-Phone: 40+ USD (and I don't have a smart phone)
-Social: 20+ a month (I don't socialize much)
-Insurance: Varied (depends if your day job covers it and what insurances you are paying for: car, renters, house, health, dental)
-Medical expenses: Varied (depends on individual, I pay 2100 a month)
So the range can be 1095 USD minimum a month to 6060 USD a month depending on your needs. I personally do not go out and socialize, do not have cable, do not have a smart phone, yet I am on the higher end of the scale because I have a whopping medical bill.
Now let's say I need 4000 USD a month. Remember that taxes take about 20% of your income (at least in the US), so that means I would need to make 5000 USd a month in order to even be able to cover my basic needs. At a typical job where I would work a 40 hr week for 4 weeks a month, I would need to make 31.25 USD an hour to meet my minimum requirements.
Given that I usually only sell one doll a month on average for an average of 300 USD for 20 hrs of work, I couldn't even do it. If I sold something for 300 USD, I would be making under 15 USD an hour because you have to consider overhead costs and material costs.
Conclusion:
Let's compare the values: less than 15 USD an hour vs the 31.25 USD I would need to live...hmm.. and then to have someone comment on my prices. Can you see how this would hurt a little when someone doesn't appreciate that you sacrificed your income to do something you love.?
Now not everyone may be making as much (or as little) as me, but for those who say artists shouldn't be expecting minimum wage for whatever reason, please look at that sacrifice! That's HALF. HALF I tell you. I could be spending that time at my day job, but instead this is HALF of what I need. This is a labor of love, so please don't disrespect the sacrifice.
I hope this will help you contextualize what prices mean, and what people need to survive.
TLDR;
1)Costs a lot to be a human being if you are an independent adult
2)Some artists are barely charging enough to get by
3)Please respect their time, enjoy their art, BUT DON'T leave comment on their prices if they don't ask for it.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Mid Twenties Identity Crisis
For awhile I have been contemplating on writing this. For one, I am a person who before posting anything that might even come across as controversial weighs how such a topic might be received and the reactions of others, especially in a public forum such as the internet. When I was younger, I was brash and always spoke my mind, but it didn't always come with desired effects.
Here's my disclaimer: this is just my story and just my thoughts on the entire topic. You can view it as a cautionary tale or whatever you would like.
Upon graduating college, I had no real idea of what path of academia I wanted. I liked the idea of graduate school and felt that I learned/retained nothing from college that could even get me employed anywhere. I NEEDED more education to be of any use in my field of choice: bio-pharmaceuticals. I had a stronger biochemistry background than biology. If anyone asked me about how cell physiology worked, I'd just look and blink at them. I wasn't trained for what I wanted to do at all, so logically, I went for more schooling.
What I didn't realize was that in order to get a PhD it did require having a clearer vision of the path I wanted. I needed to find a lab to do my thesis in. Fairly logical, except I didn't have burning passion for anything I was looking at. It took me two entire semesters to find a lab to call home, and by the end of it, I wasn't even pursuing a PhD anymore.
I started questioning what I wanted to do, especially as responsibilities piled on. Eventually I had to take a breather, step back, and figure out what I wanted in life.
This got me thinking about my education up to this point. I've been a student for most of my life and never performed poorly academically, so I just followed what I felt was the logical step to a financially sound future. Leaving high school, I just wanted something that would lead me to a job. I wasn't especially passionate about anything so I went with what I was good at: math and science. In a performance arts high school I never reall stood out talent wise and had terrible stage fright so where others were going to conservatories, I did a 180 and set (what I thought of as) a more realistic goal. I knew I didn't want pure science. I could never only do research and not apply it, so I went to engineering. I did alright in it and got accepted into graduate school. Still no spark, no passion.
I slowly got more and more into my art and realized that nothing I did up to this point prepared me for this questioning, the envy, and the wondering. I would look at my colleagues wonder how they could stand reading all the journal articles and paper after paper and retain all that knowledge. All I looked forward to was for 5pm to roll around and head home to sew.
The more I thought about it, the more useless I found mandatory education. Although it helped me become a somewhat well rounded person, mandatory education just put me in what I felt was a factory: in goes a student, out comes someone to work in society. None of it dealt with passion, and working year after year just for a job seemed like it was becoming too much for me.
It was really scary for me to think of how much effort I put into something that I would dread. It was definitely a nightmare for me to be stuck in a niche for the rest of my life and to HATE every moment of it.
Those who I spoke to suggested I possibly leave without finishing my degree and change my life style. All in all it was a shock. Not only am I a persistent (aka stubborn) but I didn't want to get nothing out of it after putting all this time and money into my education.
My questioning did get to the point where I wanted to just give it all up and just sew all day, but the practical part of me gave me a gigantic punch of reality and I knew it was just dreaming, but hey who knows what I can make it into in 5 years.
For now, I'm going to finish what I started (partially because I've never quit), but I think I've taken my blinders off and am open to more possibilities than the one road I had my eyes set on.
Overall the past year and a half has been an emotional roller coaster that dipped pretty low, but I just gotta be a little more optimistic and hope that I'm not too old and too late to be able to find something I really want.
The American mindset of always prizing early achievement and youth can really be stifling in cases like this. It's really sad that I haven't even hit 30 and I feel like all my best years are behind me.
Here's my disclaimer: this is just my story and just my thoughts on the entire topic. You can view it as a cautionary tale or whatever you would like.
Upon graduating college, I had no real idea of what path of academia I wanted. I liked the idea of graduate school and felt that I learned/retained nothing from college that could even get me employed anywhere. I NEEDED more education to be of any use in my field of choice: bio-pharmaceuticals. I had a stronger biochemistry background than biology. If anyone asked me about how cell physiology worked, I'd just look and blink at them. I wasn't trained for what I wanted to do at all, so logically, I went for more schooling.
What I didn't realize was that in order to get a PhD it did require having a clearer vision of the path I wanted. I needed to find a lab to do my thesis in. Fairly logical, except I didn't have burning passion for anything I was looking at. It took me two entire semesters to find a lab to call home, and by the end of it, I wasn't even pursuing a PhD anymore.
I started questioning what I wanted to do, especially as responsibilities piled on. Eventually I had to take a breather, step back, and figure out what I wanted in life.
This got me thinking about my education up to this point. I've been a student for most of my life and never performed poorly academically, so I just followed what I felt was the logical step to a financially sound future. Leaving high school, I just wanted something that would lead me to a job. I wasn't especially passionate about anything so I went with what I was good at: math and science. In a performance arts high school I never reall stood out talent wise and had terrible stage fright so where others were going to conservatories, I did a 180 and set (what I thought of as) a more realistic goal. I knew I didn't want pure science. I could never only do research and not apply it, so I went to engineering. I did alright in it and got accepted into graduate school. Still no spark, no passion.
I slowly got more and more into my art and realized that nothing I did up to this point prepared me for this questioning, the envy, and the wondering. I would look at my colleagues wonder how they could stand reading all the journal articles and paper after paper and retain all that knowledge. All I looked forward to was for 5pm to roll around and head home to sew.
The more I thought about it, the more useless I found mandatory education. Although it helped me become a somewhat well rounded person, mandatory education just put me in what I felt was a factory: in goes a student, out comes someone to work in society. None of it dealt with passion, and working year after year just for a job seemed like it was becoming too much for me.
It was really scary for me to think of how much effort I put into something that I would dread. It was definitely a nightmare for me to be stuck in a niche for the rest of my life and to HATE every moment of it.
Those who I spoke to suggested I possibly leave without finishing my degree and change my life style. All in all it was a shock. Not only am I a persistent (aka stubborn) but I didn't want to get nothing out of it after putting all this time and money into my education.
My questioning did get to the point where I wanted to just give it all up and just sew all day, but the practical part of me gave me a gigantic punch of reality and I knew it was just dreaming, but hey who knows what I can make it into in 5 years.
For now, I'm going to finish what I started (partially because I've never quit), but I think I've taken my blinders off and am open to more possibilities than the one road I had my eyes set on.
Overall the past year and a half has been an emotional roller coaster that dipped pretty low, but I just gotta be a little more optimistic and hope that I'm not too old and too late to be able to find something I really want.
The American mindset of always prizing early achievement and youth can really be stifling in cases like this. It's really sad that I haven't even hit 30 and I feel like all my best years are behind me.
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